The. title. sounds. really confronting.
and. a. bit. rude.
But hear me out!
I do not talk for no reason.
My words have meaning.
Okay, maybe not those words. 😂
I’ve been wanting to write this post for a couple of days, and now the time has finally come. It’s 7:47 pm and I’ve spent the day at home as I was feeling a little under the weather today. I had my school swimming carnival yesterday, and apparently it was something in the water.. that I didn’t swim in.
But what’s even more mysterious is why, despite factors like the time being creepily close to the witching hour, and sleep calling, and uh, just about everything, I choose to do things like clean my room. Thoroughly clean! Regularly.
I don’t mean, throw your crap under the bed clean. Because that isn’t clean. I mean throw your stuff away clean. Go about minimalising your room until 3 am. When you’ve just come back from Melbourne, ie: sat in a darn car for twelve hours.
[Don’t worry. I’m not doing any of this right now.. it’s just well, recent events.]
And I’ve been thinking about it, and even for a while, consider the possibility that I might have OCD. I don’t, fortunately. I watched a video on what it would be like, and while I don’t consider the source to be 100% reliable, watching it, was well, so frustrating. I wanted to scream and kick my head in because it felt like I was going to faint from how repetitive and exhausting it was. I can’t imagine experiencing the real thing, and I don’t want to. So, what do I call myself?
A neat freak.
Yes, I am your stereotypical ‘must be tidy, must be perfect’ human.
And it’s good sometimes. The less clutter I have around me, the better I feel. The happier my mind is. That doesn’t make it any less exhausting though, seriously. I often feel simultaneously horrified and amused by my apparent inability to laze around in mess and actually function. Sure, my neatness only extends to my room, and belongings, so it’s not like, full time freaky, but it’s there. My mum wishes it was a bit more far reaching though, so I’d obsessively feel like cleaning the whole house.
Be careful what you wish for, because I’m sure you’d take it back if it ever was to happen!
Haha, I just googled ‘neat freak problems #101’ in google images. I was hoping I’d get results like if I was to google ‘teenager problems’. Has anyone ever googled those? 😂😂
On a more serious note, I know where there compulsions come from.
I have a serious perfectionist streak.
For instance, I cried last year when I got 72% in my yearly science test. I had done well, but just missed the point of one page, and lost a few marks here and there. When I found out that most people had done a bit better, I freaked out and started sobbing. Everybody saw. My friends were sympathetic and lovely, and my then boyfriend raced out of his seat and practically turned into Mr Perfect. And then there were the other times, when I got really good, and sometimes, even perfect scores, or did well enough to satisfy myself. Like, today. I did some painting for my journal and loved how it ended up, but I spent a while yesterday mentally freaking out over how badly I’d done on the previous journal page.
Over the years, I’ve been through a lot of things that all came back to my one desire to have it all figured out. Depression, body image issues. Lots and lots of things. I’m a lot better now, and grateful that I have some clue as to what I need to do to stop feeling like this, but unfortunately, some of it is in my DNA.
And the rest, maybe that can be equated to triggers.
Not too long ago, I got some sort of minor dermatitis, and ever since then, I’ve started washing my hands more and generally being more cautious about what I touch and come into contact with. Consciously.
When we’re made aware of something that we don’t want, we’re more likely to try and do everything in our power to avoid it. Whether that’s spending time studying for a test or risking failure [What defines ‘failure’, anyway?] or staying out of the rain should we decide not to risk a cold. [You can’t stop me from going out in the rain, by the way, nan. Yes, I did that today. 😂]
Anyway. Are you a neat freak? Do you agree with what I’m saying here, or did I confuse the heck out of you? I sure hope not, because this is a messy enough topic without me being confusing. Nevermind. Just talk to me in the comments! Let me know I’m not alone! Hugs x