I’m sorry for being gone so long, lovelies.. it’s just been well, a lot, this past while. my coping skills are long gone, for a start. I think I lost them the day I found out I got into a school and was to start the next day. I don’t know.. It’s just a big jumble really. I’m going to try my best to write a bit here for you, because I need these words out. this is a sacred online space for me, even if I did abandon it for a bit.
I think I’m afraid. the excitement always seems to be in the next room.. finding everybody but me. I’ll start with the immediate moment- my long distance boyfriend has just finished up with a big party.. massive party, that he hosted. and I, well, I’m writing this post, crying, worrying about the upcoming week and all the homework I won’t be able to give in. after everything that has happened to me, all I can do is try. few people know how defeated I feel. everything is mixed up. I am going well socially, but my work is suffering. my grade is comprised of thirteen and fourteen year olds, with only a handful of people my age. I am still trying to make peace with the fact that I am just not doing as well as them, nor can I really expect myself to. I try to tell myself that I’ve had an extra year to prepare for this one, but deep down I know that is hardly the truth. my setbacks have not advanced me in any way.
This school is the kind that expects things from you. things that I cannot give anymore. I have lost track of the amount of detentions that have or almost have been given to me in the last few weeks. most of these weren’t my fault at all, but it really goes to show how unsuited I am to this kind of harsh environment.. heck, I wish they knew what I’ve been through. they think my problems stop at mild anxiety, and to that I laugh. I wish. I just want to be able to cope one day.. to feel success for more than waking up in the morning and going through the motions. Last school week, I reckon I only got 10 hours sleep. I couldn’t keep my eyes open.
I think I’m afraid. terrified I’ll one day make a mistake I can’t walk away from. terrified I’ll never be more than this. I feel that I am a good thing, that somehow I can be enough, but I am always told that I should be more, or in the very least, I should be making myself into something bigger. I have come to the conclusion that I am not the sort of smart that schools want. I am life smart. I am not the kind of person who excels in controlled, suffocating environments. I cannot be boxed up and expected to thrive. I refuse to. to some people, dropping out of school before finishing your senior years means being sentenced to a life of nothing. no opportunities. nothing worthwhile. for me, it means the opportunity to be more. I do not want to be a worker. I want to be free. I want to travel and design and blog freelance. I can be this much, but also so much more. this is no life sentence.. I am not destined to a future of “do you want fries with that?” unless I choose to be.
On the flip side, since I’ve been gone, there have been some big positive changes. the most obvious is my moving houses. our new place is an apartment, but it still feels very spacious. the vibes here are good.. very chill. a little bit of luxury. although I guess you’d hope so, considering it’s a new building! there are still a few boxes lying around, but a few weeks later, we’re mostly unpacked. my room is in order and I’m so in love with it. design brings me so much joy.. even though I recently did a makeover at my last place, I was able to change things up a little in my new room. I’m loving the results. It’s a tad more minimalist but oh so cosy and pretty. a real haven. my mum also let me decorate a nice cabinet she keeps her glassware in. I’ve kept to a theme of light blue and white with some cream and a bit of lavender and grey. It’s very calming.
Then, there are a few so so things.. a big family change, for a start. my dad is leaving for overseas soon to get re-married, and it’s kind of huge. I am not averse to this at all, just to clarify. I think it’ll be good for him to move on and refocus and have a partner better suited to him, but it’s new territory. something to process.
I’ve also been eating differently lately. mostly plant based, but also some animal products. this has been quite hard for me, as you can imagine. vegetarian, and vegan, for a short period, became parts of my identity, and now I no longer know where they fit, or if they do at all. I still care very much about these things, but I feel relief also.. I think it’s hard for me to control and do so much. sometimes I let things fall away subconsciously.. I hang onto them but somehow they still slip away. I’m hoping I’ll get more on track soon.
thanks for hearing me out. I love you xx