Focusing on happiness

happiness is an inside job

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It’s been exactly a year since my life went pear shaped. Back then, I didn’t know if that season of messy confusion would end. I’m very glad to be able to say that I’m settling into this new chapter beautifully.

 

It took me a while to see it, but now it’s incredibly clear. I have worked on myself to the point that I can the truth of the matter. I have learnt about myself, my priorities, what really matters. It’s quite emotional for me, if I’m being entirely honest. When you go through a dark period, tunnel vision is a real thing. There had been many years that completely threw me with how unexpected they were. Looking back, I am just in awe, I guess, of the human spirit. We can be completely broken down and still rise back up.

It’s become apparent to me that my biggest problem last year was the issues I had with control. They had gone unchecked for so long and just spiralled out of control. I remember being obsessed about every damn thing. Everything I owned had to match. I had to get certain scores or I’d have a meltdown. I had to tidy things up immediately. I just couldn’t stand mess because it made me feel out of control. Even that isn’t the root of the problem though. I’ve come to realise that it’s actually a blessing not to have control of everything.. because that is weight too, having all rest on you.

I’ve always considered happiness an inside job. You cannot buy it nor can you put a price on it. It cannot be manufactured. True happiness comes from inside, from having your basics, those few essentials, covered. Last year, so much of my energy was spent pursuing what I thought would bring me inner peace, but was ultimately useless and only exacerbated a toxic cycle. There was a particularly silly episode where I completely broke down because I’d gotten 72% on a test, while my friends had scored better. I genuinely thought my worth as a person was determined by something a stupid as a grade.

Nowadays, everything has shifted again. My old, harsher, more critical self would  probably drop dead at some of the scores I receive and the way I leave my bed unmade when I run out of time in the mornings. She would lose it at the dirt on her bag or the ink mark on her laptop case. I’ve never been more thankful for change. My mindset has shifted to the point that I can finally see what really matters. Nowadays, I am less the picture of perfection and more the picture of happiness. I enjoy my social time, going out with friends.. just sharing moments. Exploring new places. Loving on the people I care about. Laughing. Being lighthearted. Passionate. Kind. Determined. Goal oriented.

Just living life to the fullest really. I refuse to waste any more precious time.

 

maryam

10 thoughts on “Focusing on happiness

  1. The sad thing is, as I was reading this, I remembered I had an anxiety attack over a 97%, the second highest mark in the class. Second. It’s not good enough for me, and I fear it never will be.
    But I want to try. Thank you for inspiring me xx

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  2. Nice piece here sister. You are right in saying that we should not let the little things in life make us feel bad about ourselves. It pays to be a rugged fighter. If something is not working, fix it. If you do not like it, change it. and if you cannot change it, pray about it. In life, it pays to put in our best efforts, however, we are not alone in this thing called life, God is here with us. For those who believe in the Lord, everything works well together for them. Yes, there might be minor setbacks, but it all fits well into the bigger scheme of what the Lord has in store for us. Just try your best, and pray even harder. You would not always be on the top, but you sure can trust that you are standing upon a solid rock (God), and that he has your back, and would give you a good testimony. Belief in the Lord is key, and working hard is essential. Happiness is also something that comes from the Lord. Being in his presence and experiencing his love brings joy. However, you can also pray for happiness. I am sure that our Abba Father would love to hear from you.

    The Bible says in Galatians 5:22
    “But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness”.

    The Bible says in Philippians 4:6
    “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God”.

    The Bible says in Matthew 7: 7-8
    “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened”.

    God says in Isaiah 41:10
    “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
    Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
    I will strengthen you and help you.
    I will hold you up with my victorious right hand”.

    If you do not yet have a relationship with the Lord, I would strongly suggest that you begin one. There are a lot of blessings that comes from knowing the Lord, and being in fellowship with him. If you already have a relationship with the Lord, that is good, keep believing and working to deepen your relationship with him, and I am sure that he would come through for you somehow.

    If you want to know about God in more detail, you can find further information here https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/10/23/a-few-things-that-i-have-learned-about-god/ And Here https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/08/29/how-to-build-a-relationship-with-god/

    May God’s blessings be with you, Amen. ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Well done for overcoming those thoughts. I used to be the same, and I have still have so much room for improvement. I am still obsessive over how long things take.
    Thank you for sharing 🙂

    Like

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