It’s been exactly a year since my life went pear shaped. Back then, I didn’t know if that season of messy confusion would end. I’m very glad to be able to say that I’m settling into this new chapter beautifully.
It took me a while to see it, but now it’s incredibly clear. I have worked on myself to the point that I can the truth of the matter. I have learnt about myself, my priorities, what really matters. It’s quite emotional for me, if I’m being entirely honest. When you go through a dark period, tunnel vision is a real thing. There had been many years that completely threw me with how unexpected they were. Looking back, I am just in awe, I guess, of the human spirit. We can be completely broken down and still rise back up.
It’s become apparent to me that my biggest problem last year was the issues I had with control. They had gone unchecked for so long and just spiralled out of control. I remember being obsessed about every damn thing. Everything I owned had to match. I had to get certain scores or I’d have a meltdown. I had to tidy things up immediately. I just couldn’t stand mess because it made me feel out of control. Even that isn’t the root of the problem though. I’ve come to realise that it’s actually a blessing not to have control of everything.. because that is weight too, having all rest on you.
I’ve always considered happiness an inside job. You cannot buy it nor can you put a price on it. It cannot be manufactured. True happiness comes from inside, from having your basics, those few essentials, covered. Last year, so much of my energy was spent pursuing what I thought would bring me inner peace, but was ultimately useless and only exacerbated a toxic cycle. There was a particularly silly episode where I completely broke down because I’d gotten 72% on a test, while my friends had scored better. I genuinely thought my worth as a person was determined by something a stupid as a grade.
Nowadays, everything has shifted again. My old, harsher, more critical self would probably drop dead at some of the scores I receive and the way I leave my bed unmade when I run out of time in the mornings. She would lose it at the dirt on her bag or the ink mark on her laptop case. I’ve never been more thankful for change. My mindset has shifted to the point that I can finally see what really matters. Nowadays, I am less the picture of perfection and more the picture of happiness. I enjoy my social time, going out with friends.. just sharing moments. Exploring new places. Loving on the people I care about. Laughing. Being lighthearted. Passionate. Kind. Determined. Goal oriented.
Just living life to the fullest really. I refuse to waste any more precious time.