It’s important to me that I remain somewhat transparent with you all, so I wanted to share this. Today’s focus is mental health, something I haven’t actually touched on in a while. Lately I’ve had some feelings come up that I can’t seem to shake- uncomfortable, bad feelings, but at the end of the day, just indicators of progress. Thank you for hearing me.
I’m in this uncertain state lately that I can’t seem to move away from. I’ve learnt from experience that this feeling pertains to a certain confusion. A not knowing if you’ve got things together. A sense of being directionless. In my case though, it’s the opposite.
I have this life plan that I live out in my head on the daily. I use it as an escape from the reality I’m trying to change. A struggle is what it is, because this plan is the only thing I am certain of, yet I can’t make it happen. They say you’ve got all you need within you and I do believe that to be true. If it was entirely up to me, I would be somewhere else- mentally, emotionally, physically. What do you do when you’ve got it all worked out, yet it feels like an impossible dream?
Is this a mirage? Am I waiting for something that isn’t mine to realise?
It’s time really. That’s what it all comes down to. It’s what we always talk about. Time defines; crystallises. Time breaks and heals. Time sets things in motion.. and I want to take these steps.
I know I’ve begun to forget myself when I do the things I love and only then start to remember who I am. I think most of us carry around a sense of who we are at all times, but nowadays that is less clear for me. I feel myself clutching on, hanging tightly to all things that feel like home.
It seems as if I am floating, experiencing everything at surface level. There are parts of my being that feel strange and foreign.
Sometimes I’m okay and sometimes I’m not. I’d try to explain it to you but I can’t understand it myself. How can I not know the person I’ve been all of my life? How can I stare confused at the body I’ve always known?
Perhaps this sounds like disassociation and lately, at times, I feel I’ve been there too. There is.. somewhere. Not here. I’ve found myself fixating, focusing on something and then suddenly spacing out. Entering this fuzzy zone of semi-consciousness.
Where do I go and what do I do? Two questions I fear will be left permanently unanswered. What I do know though is that this is perhaps the most honest thing I’ve ever written.
It’s painful. I just want to be the best me, the most me I can in this moment. I want that so much. I feel like in this place, this time, it just can’t happen.
Through all this, I am supported.. I am held. I have always been held. I’m reminded that while the struggle is great, I do not bear this burden alone. The reward for my patience and my strength is also great.
This is strangely enough both the easiest and hardest thing I’ve written. The happiest and the saddest. I seem to have all the words to describe how I feel because I’ve also had all the time, day in and day out, to think about it. I don’t know where to go at this present moment, but I hope I’ll be able to look back on this and know it all worked out after all.
A Polar Bear on the Sunshine Coast- that’s me.