High Tea in the Queen Victoria building- Sydney City
Oh, what a year it has been. Sixteen laps around the sun.
A part of me felt this day would never come because of just how much kept happening in between- but then it did. My birthday came and went. It’s been almost two weeks and only now do I feel I have the words to recap the last twelve months.
I remember my birthday last year as so bittersweet. I was an entirely different person back then. I haven’t yet outgrown making questionable choices, but this time around some worked in my favour. My life overall hasn’t been conventional or linear and most days I’m still trying to make sense of it.
Nowadays parts of myself feel clearer than ever before. I am intimate with the things that make me who I am. I’ve spent too much time inside my head, entertaining thoughts only for them to spiral and spiral, perpetuating an unhelpful cycle. I’ve also had epiphanies and grand realisations. I am sure about what makes my world go around. I have experienced and continue to be blessed with the fiercest, warmest love. I have been at home and felt held. I have come to know the truth about people and seen situations in a different light. Among the big, overarching themes of this year was illumination.. and even through that, reckless boundless grace. I can’t begin to explain to you how much has fallen apart only to come back together. The events of this past while have been so strange and miraculous and at times, I’ve stood to lose everything. In the last two months, I found God again. I rediscovered him, even though he is eternal and ever present. I now seek to pursue him and to do so boundlessly. There’s a sort of story behind this, which I’ll tell in the hope you take something meaningful away from my post!
As strange as this is going to sound, I realised that I wasn’t entirely dissimilar to a dog, because the whole time, I was on a leash. At the start I was free to roam around and do what I pleased, within reasonable bounds. Then, slowly but surely, that lead was shortened and I was being reined in. I make it sound entirely metaphorical, but this is very literal. It was God telling me to stop straying and messing with what isn’t right. To forgo what is temporarily satisfying but ultimately meaningless. To pay attention, willingly. To breathe, slow down and seek him in the good moments, the bad and everything in between. I have never not needed his grace. I needed to listen before my circumstances changed to the point I’d have no other choice. While I’m not a religious sort, I believe fervently in a higher power. We as people are not all there is. There’s more, so much more.
On another deep note, this year marks the first time I’ve lived in the present and not yearned so strongly for the past. That begged the question.. what changed? The answer is simple as can be- I released all my fear surrounding the person I’m becoming. I was so caught up in whether I was a disappointing version of myself or just a different version. For so long I was undecided. Now, if anything, I’m starting to live for the future. I’m living for the version of me that has realised the dreams I’m working tirelessly to manifest. I feel authentic, finally. I’m living for the version of me that is taken more seriously than I am now. I’m also just living, which is something my mental health hasn’t always allowed for. I have made tough choices and started to put myself first. I am a lot less sporadic with my self care. I no longer see self love rituals as rewards but rather as necessities. I am deserving of all the good I put out.
My physical health has been up and down. I’m on medications that don’t seem to be working. I’m leaving medical professionals baffled.. I am baffled. The end of year trip I had planned to make to Melbourne, just as in previous years, won’t be happening. My favourite cousin is hosting an engagement party and I’m disappointed I won’t be able to make it. I’m used to my mental health holding me back, but to have things going wrong physically is a curveball. In the very least, I figured my pain and its’ causes would finally be visible. I’m nauseous a lot and can’t eat very much. It generally takes me an hour to fully wake up, even on days I don’t have the luxury of time. I could sleep happily till midday, but sometimes I just have to make do with coffee instead.
While 800 words is insufficient in describing my year, quality will always win over quantity.. and this is quite the juicy read. I don’t feel like I’ve shared too much lately but wanted to take this opportunity to give you all a glimpse of where I’m really at. Transparency is important and more than anything, I want you to see me for who I really am.
If you’ve read this much, thank you. I hope you understand me a little better. I was told once that I’m a beautiful mess and I’m really feeling that!
Sending much love and light to you all xx