For a couple of weeks now, it’s felt as if my mind has been emptied of all words. My thoughts have remained stuck and stagnant, stubbornly bound on giving release to the single story I vowed would only remain within. Now, it is scratching and itching to be rid of these confines. I’ve adjusted to carrying the weight of the past, of secrets, much too far into the future. What I didn’t bet on was becoming so accustomed to that burden that I no longer knew how to leave it behind. What better way to welcome the New Year than to give up the ghost, stall the haunting? a significant resolution of mine, which I hope to discuss further and in more depth very soon, is to leave no trauma unresolved. It’s one thing to be a child with mental health problems but to be an adult in the same circumstance feels profoundly unconscionable. Coming to the blog this week is what most would call my survivor story. An intimate, reflective and deeply honest war cry. I have not given up. There is more to me than yesterday. The dark has not won out.
I feel like I can breathe easier already. With that being said, I’ll move on whilst encouraging you to watch this space. As I sit here and write to you, the night is still young. I’m listening to Taylor’s Swift’s newest album drop, Evermore, which is dreamy, thoughtful and the backdrop to all projected memories of my younger self. Dorothea, Closure, Willow, Marjorie, Champagne Problems. A never ending reel of moments gone by. This magnificent woman has a way of making me pop on rose gold classes. I reminisce over school days, field trips, boys and circumstances I probably don’t miss all that much. The strong, seductive pull of nostalgia evokes something delicious within me. A yearning for what once was, as we enter a time where I will undoubtedly disassemble and rearrange myself a million times over before being satisfied with the finished product.
This week has been an absolute blur. I’d be lying if I said I could remember doing anything before New Years Eve. It’s almost as if the days have been written out of history. I won’t pain myself with impossible recollection! On that note, how did you spend your New Year’s Eve and New Year’s day? My dad, brother and I went to eat out at a favourite Lebanese restaurant of ours. We ordered our usuals- kofta skewers, sambousek, which are cheese or mince filled pastries, chicken pieces, lamb with rice and a serving of falafel. It was nothing extravagant but ignited a lot of happiness within me. Food that is fresh, flavourful and feels like home will always do that. We were even served cups of sweet tea afterwards. My dad lives in a place called Auburn that is next to Parramatta, my area. There is a large ethnic population there and they typically are very loud and proud when it comes to celebrating. We drove around the streets and watched fireworks light up the sky, popping out of boxes that sat on the side of street. I could only imagine the mob that would come after the unlucky car that would inevitably run over a box! The cheering, whooping and smiles on people’s faces was a joy to see after such a difficult time. Coming home, we went to my building’s rooftop and sat there to watch the city display. There is nothing like the glimmer of the skyline and the chorusing of voices shouting messages of inspiration and encouragement in unison. My brother was pretty excited and had a full dialogue going on with people in the building in front of ours.
The last coronavirus updates definitely threw plans off- that goes without saying. While my family were content with making the best of things from home, many others wished to be in the city viewing all the action. We had a live concert with Amy Shark singing from the Opera House but everybody else was required to stay at home. As far as I know, some restaurants were open and accepting a select few bookings. These lucky individuals nabbed seats and enjoyed fine dining and prime views of the Sydney Harbour Bridge- for a steep and ridiculous price tag of over a thousand dollars. Worth it for a meagre seven minutes of entertainment? Debatable, if you ask me. I do wonder how long we’ll live unstably for though. It’s been announced that masks are mandatory in Greater Sydney indoor venues from today onwards. Anybody caught without will be given a hefty fine. On top of this, the borders have been shut and those in the Northern Beaches are on lockdown till the ninth of this month.
Most of my days have been spent at home beginning new projects or having some much needed rest and relaxation time. I’ve caught up on my Youtube subscriptions, planned out blog content, filmed my sustainable wardrobe tour and looked through my diary from last year. I always try and reuse pretty bits and pieces for collaging with. I’ve also been preparing for college. I don’t have a book, stationery or software list that I need to make purchases for as of yet but I can anticipate needing stationery and organisational basics. As it goes, I haven’t been able to timetable my classes yet either. I’m hoping I’ll get a chance over the next week or two. So far, I’ve purchased a beautiful diary from Frankie and have my eye on Kikki K’s eucalyptus leaf desk calendar and elegant pen sets. Yesterday, I found a new driving instructor and have booked a free trial class to pick up some pointers and see if the instructor and I mesh well.
Furthermore, a big stress of mine has been alleviated. I also spent a couple of hours applying for student benefits. As I’ll be living and working away from home as a full time student, I’m eligible to receive a payment of around $600 per fortnight. Or, biweekly, as my American friends may be more accustomed to saying. My lovely boyfriend was immensely confused when I relayed this information to him and kept thinking about video games. I found it highly amusing because the vocabulary difference between Australian and American English never really gets to us, haha. Anyhow, I’m hoping my application will be successful as it’ll take the edge off my worry and allow me to save for anything big ticket I may need in coming years. A new laptop, a trip overseas. Whatever the case, the savings will be there. I know that taxpayers will argue that their money is being wasted but facts stand that it’s hard to break out into the world as a new adult. Becoming established and independant is a somewhat lengthy and ever continuing process.
On another note, Has anyone else found that New Year’s Day tends to hold a lot of expectations around how productive and with it you should be from then onwards? It can be easy to give into the narrative and believe that the end of year cooling down period is over and it’s now appropriate to get back on the hustle and grind! Here’s your reminder that it’s okay to tune into your own rhythm. Whether your preferred pace is one of solitude and soaking up the season or is frenzied excitement to recommit to new standards of living, you’ve got this.
I know that personally, the most enjoyable and fulfilling years of my life are the ones I can look back on and truly remember. The ones where I kept that work + life balance and, in that way, am able to distinguish and identify all the highs and lows in between. I can pinpoint moments of learning, growth, happiness and belief after trials rather than seeing an indistinguishable and unsatisfactory muddle of action. To embed meaning throughout our days, we must commit to being present and intentional. To recalling the finer details rather than being so focused on the big picture. Let’s zoom in rather than zoom out all the time. You don’t always have to be busy.. just take the time you’re offered and make your endeavours meaningful.