Friends, Happy Valentine’s or Galentine’s day to all of you. I think it’s important to remember that we don’t have to take on board the traditional meaning of a holiday- we can make it special to us. Here’s your cue to remember that your way of doing things is valid, whether you’re acknowledging romantic love, friendship or family! On that note, what did you do yesterday or what are your plans for today on depending on time zone?
More thrilling yet is that my room is officially taking shape! I’ve moved in my dresser, bedside table, plants, hung up some decorations and am focusing on perfecting the layout! I won’t know how everything will look for sure until all the furniture is here but it’s no problem. It does make me think that I’m a very visual person though- it’s hard to envision everything as clearly as I’d want to without it being physically here! We’ve scrapped the idea of getting plantation shutters put in as the window is quite wide and low down the wall and the French doors wouldn’t suit it anyway. The quote we got back from our local homemaker store was incredibly expensive and just not worth the fuss. I went online in my search for suitable curtains and found out to my shock and surprise that urban outfitters have gone australian as well! no more crazy conversion rates just to buy something cute and trendy.
I officially start college tomorrow and oh boy, am I feeling the whole spectrum of emotions, as one does during all experiences that mark a first or last time. It’s been one hell of a roller coaster ride getting to this point in time, that’s for sure. I just feel the exact same way I did starting high school, only now I’m going from being the mum of the grade to the youngest student on campus. I don’t quite feel prepared but I don’t believe there is always a perfect time to pursue what you wish to. There is only the present and that is the position from which we can effect change.
I know in my heart that all that’s required of me is effort. I resonate with that because it’s something we can all put forth, regardless of strengths. A good teacher will not only recognise the difference between success from hard work and success from natural talent but know that each are worthy of praise and understanding. Progress over perfection always. Sometimes the best way to feel comfortable in a situation is to dive right in. It’s just like making the first splash in the pool on a day that’s only semi warm. You’re only consumed by that intense feeling, the initial shock, for a short while. It wears off once you make that plunge.
I once heard someone say that the proper way to love somebody is to see them through a thousand different versions of who they were, who they are presently and who they are yet to be and accept each and every one as being part of the evolution of that person. Just like the sun rises in the morning, peeking out of silver lined cloud, the moon wanes at night, shedding its form in favour of a crescent, an eclipse. Sometimes it is full bodied, other times it renders itself almost invisible. When I was fourteen, it was impressive to know what you wanted from life. At seventeen it is still fairly so but I’ve learnt that I’d rather pluck my dream from magical skies and make it happen. I will stop wishing on higher beings and show up for myself as fully as I know how to. I realised it wasn’t enough to know what you want but to be prepared to fight tooth and nail for what you deserve.
My younger teen years brought with them a significant mental health crisis. The trials and tribulations I overcome became my backing, my footing and my foundation. At first though, are what I hung onto, clung onto, gripped onto for dear life. I was able to see eventually that they had indeed broken me, but only for long enough to let the shine through. Then I’d be bound shut, woven together bittersweet like a tapestry and rendered whole once more. For a period of time though, I disappeared. I didn’t recognise the girl in the mirror. I never saw myself becoming a woman. I just didn’t think I’d make it that far. I don’t know if the people closest to me at the time understood what I was going through but I hope they saw me and through my pain. I hope they knew that I was more than that. At ten years old, I had sunk slowly into a depression. It breaks my heart to think back on this because my condition and the severity of it wouldn’t be recognised for another four years and after the fact. Inevitably, I hit a wall at one point and attempted to take my life twice within the span of a month.
It rocked my world and everything spun out of control. This facade I’d weaved together so intentionally fell away. I very literally became my own undoing. One night, my gravitation towards our medicine cabinet became too much to handle. I see it as a balancing of scales. Up until that point, I’d had equal or more reasons to stay as I was than I had to make a drastic decision. Beyond that, I had fear still in my heart. I was clinging tightly to life, despite feeling so beaten down by it. I knew the most dangerous point I’d reach was that where I felt nothing. Where I became numb and no longer reasoned with myself. This was the middle of ninth grade. I’d taken two terms off of school at the beginning of the year to rehabilitate myself and keep my mental health balanced. I liked to see myself as a high achiever and found my worth externally. I was placed in the top class for my grade and felt immense pressure not just to keep up but to excel and be a leader. I hated that I always felt average and not quite good enough.
In some ways, I see the world in very black and white terms. It can be all or nothing with me when it comes to certain matters. I felt I had no place at the top if I didn’t have complete mastery and full knowledge of every concept. Beyond that, I didn’t believe I should have to work for anything that I was truly skilled at. I felt it should come easily or it can’t be considered a natural talent of mine. This led to my breakdown. I left school, a battle won after many arguments where I felt misunderstood, judged or frowned up. It was perhaps the wisest choice I’ve made so far because it allowed me to get in touch with myself once more and realign with my purpose.
The following year, in better spirits and with much counselling and trials of antidepressants behind me, I started a new school a completed year nine through and through. Being at a public school was a better fit for me, perhaps not in regards to the environment and socially but that’s a matter for another time. At this point I was a fairly average student but living big in other areas of my life. Everything seemed to come together and I allowed myself to cruise right through it all without many cares in the world. I no longer felt at competition with others and turned my focus to personal growth. I rebranded and turned my blog around completely, making it a suitable go to for a broader range of people. I started my Instagram page again, took on paid influencer collaborations and shared the pretty and the poignant parts of my life as authentically and honestly as I knew how.
I had reached a point where I watched other people thrive in the traditional school system but never stopped to wonder why I couldn’t do the same. I knew in my heart that it was too limiting for a creative, let alone somewhat of a rule breaker and rebel. There was no freedom to be different and break away from what’s considered normal. Life had gotten in the way and blocked my path too many times for me to be willing to push for a future that wasn’t mine. I had no hold over it and I couldn’t change or shape myself to fit that narrow box of being.
Towards the end of ninth grade and throughout tenth grade, I became annoyed at the pace of my journey. I was in a hurry to grow up and emerge fresh and revitalised into a time and place that allowed for my talents to be put to use and not wasted. I was greatly irritated and felt embarrassed. I always felt the need to explain myself and why I was the black sheep of the flock. I reminded others around me constantly that I’d been here before, done such and such before. I knew what I was doing. At the same time, I liked being further down my road than my friends or acquaintances. I liked that I’d hopped into the driver’s seat for long enough to have pushed past the repetitive, dreary miles. As is human nature though, I was ready for something scenic.
Now another year has rolled around and my old circles will graduate this year and the next. I will never don the customary black graduation gown or cap in a having completed high school capacity but I’d be lying if I said I live with regrets. Choosing not to continue into my senior years was a fear based decision. That was my primary motivator and selling factor. I was terrified of not trailblazing, of failing to live a big, juicy life. Of committing to hard work and dedicating myself to a string of years where I’d bury my head in a textbook and fall asleep in that very position. Of listening to droning lectures that I’d never be able to figure out how to apply in life. I could see this situation through a lens of being cowardly but it took a lot of strength to choose differently. I came from having given up completely, crying on floors and reacting erratically to medicines that didn’t agree with me to finally doing right by myself.
This is what runs through my head when people ask me why I left school for college. I’ve yet to give many people the long answer. Most get the short half truth. In the spirit of welcoming this new coming of age stage of my life, I want to open myself up that bit more and invite you to know me more fully. It is a pleasure, an honour and a relief. I can’t say I feel entirely ready for what’s to come. Although, as it goes, readiness in life is not the same as readiness in school. I can’t sit down and memorise facts and revise lines. I know I will have to chance things, risk them and be open to learning experiences that will either go my way or not. I’ll have to do it the old fashioned way where no shortcuts exist.
There is no truly feeling like being assured in the next step of your journey. Of being filled with lightness to your very core as you feel your passion and willingness to be something more take over once again. This natural drive is what I’ll follow and I can be sure it’ll take me places. At the end of the day, it took the potential to stop living to inspire me to start living again. To pursue something more meaningful than just an existence devoid of everything that makes my heart sing. When I finally allowed myself that authority over my destiny, I spoke to the mountains in front of me and they crumbled. I spoke to the giants I faced and watched them flee. I’d like to leave you this week with another of Morgan Harper Nichols timely and heartwarming emails. This particular one ties in well with what I’ve discussed here. This time she debunks failure and all its’ facets.
What I have learned about failure is that while it is inevitable, grace is inevitable too. Sometimes, I learn from my failures and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I see how it’s made me stronger and other times I feel neutral about it. Perhaps what matters is that even when I can’t see the silver lining, I do see the horizon that fills the morning sky with sunlight. I hear the chance to start again in the sound of neighbors leaving their homes to start the day.
Perhaps, what matters is that even when fear lingers, we notice how grace lingers too. Filling up the room with music that reminds us, “even here, there is more to you.” When it comes to failure, two things can be true: one- you are free to feel whatever you need to feel. Whether it’s grief, embarrassment, disappointment or a mixture of feelings, there is no shame if the feeling does not go away. Two- at the same time, there is grace: unmerited favour that reminds you are loved and seen even when you’re not succeeding or winning.
Continue to do your best while also knowing you are not defined by what you accomplished. You are also not defined by the times you’ve failed.Even when you’re worried that others might stigmatise your failure and cause you to feel fear or shame for not winning like you’re supposed to, this remains true. You matter just by being here. Even if no one has ever said those words to you before, they are still true. If the people you look up to make you feel like you need to succeed more and fail less, it’s still true that there is so much more to you than who you are when you are at your best and most accomplished. Of course, this is a part of your story and it’s beautiful and I hope you celebrate every mountain top moment. You are worthy of love and support when you arrive at those peaks. And you are also worthy of love and support when you are in the valley, or somewhere in between. Failure will come. Success will come, too. But it is never just the mountain or the valley that will define you. May you learn to embrace the entire landscape of who you are.
sweet, lovely Maryam, thank you for sharing this. I do believe you a much more of an inspiration than you realize and I am so thankful for that wintery evening months ago when I stumbled upon your blog- i was drawn to it in an instant. everything you write or share has a way of lifting my spirits or speaking to my soul, you are a blessing and an inspiration. i’ll be praying for you on your first day tomorrow! xx
Lovely post, Maryam!! Thanks for sharing. Happy Valentine’s Day to you, dear friend. 💕 Love you lots. ❤
Happy Valentine’s Day to you too Keziah! Have a great time. Love you lots 🥰
Aww, thanks. <3 <3
All the best for starting college! You’ll be awesome! Sending lots of positive vibes 🥰
Thank you so much Chels! I sure hope so ❤️
Thank you Chels! I had my first full week and it’s made me realise that I’m going to need to manage my time better, start going to bed at a decent time and complete tasks earlier in the day! My course load is for four classes a week at three hours which is just too much when you include travel in the morning and afternoon. I honestly feel like two classes is my sweet spot but I’m continuing with three or I’ll push getting my diploma back by a year. Most other people are either taking on three or four so I fit within the majority.
I’ve made a couple of lovely friends so far and they’re really helped me to feel at ease with their kindness! x
Great that you’re aware of those things! Take it easy and I’m sure you’ll figure out what works best for you very soon! Congrats on moving forward and taking on three classes – that’s a huge thing 😊
So cool you’ve made some helpful & kind friends – we all need those! Hope your week ahead is full of new learnings & fresh motivation & hope x
Good Luck with College and happy Valentines, ooh the food in this photo looks sooo good 🤩
Thank you so much Zainab! I had a great first day, lots of details to come. It did meet my expectations! Ah yes, it was so delicious x
Thank you so much Zainab! Sending lots of love and light your way. College is going really well so far. I had my full week and it was very different to the two class first week I had when I started initially. My actual course load is for four classes and that would take a year to complete. I’m more comfortable with two classes a week at three hours as travel time makes it feel like a full day but I don’t want my course to go on for two years and lose that accelerated aspect to it. Other than that, I’ve made some lovely friends who have really gone out of their way to show me kindness and help me feel at ease! x
Oooh that’s lovely – what courses did you take??
I LOVE reading posts like this. They’re so real and honest. “You are also not defined by the times you’ve failed.” – this is so true. My Dad always says that failures can reveal so much about a person and who they are. Because it’s not about the failure, it’s about how you react to it and what you do with it that defines you.
Wishing you all the best for your first week of college! This is bound to be an exciting new chapter for you, I can’t wait to read more about it xx
How kind, thank you so much Fiona. My favourite quote is one that reads “In general, people are not drawn to perfection in others. They are drawn to shared interests, shared problems and an individual’s life energy. Humans connect with humans. Hiding one’s humanity and trying to project an image of perfection makes a person vague, slippery, lifeless and uninteresting.” I always find that it rings so true and sums up this tendency of people so well. In reality, it would be most helpful for us to reframe our idea of failure and try out a new perspective. If something is gained by way of knowledge or understanding, even if things didn’t go to plan, it isn’t a complete loss, is it?
Thank you so much for reading also. I had my first day today and college definitely met my expectations! Such a fun, vibrant and inspiring place x
How kind, thank you so much Fiona. My favourite quote is one that reads “In general, people are not attracted to perfection in others. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems and an individual’s life energy. Humans connect with humans. Hiding one’s humanity and trying to project an image of perfection makes a person vague, slippery, lifeless and uninteresting.”
I refer to these lines on the regular as they really speak to me and sum up the whole striving for faultlessness in a beautiful, honest and to the point way. Your dad is very wise and he’s completely right. It’s never about the failure and more what you do with it. It’s about how the lack of success propels you forward and encourages you to make a change for the better.
Sending lots of love and light your way beautiful! My first week was most interesting. I’ve made a couple of beautiful friends who have gone out of their way to show me kindness and make me feel at ease. So intensely grateful for people like that! They make the world go around. As for my classes, I had my first full week this week. Last week I only had two classes on and while that was more manageable, it’d mean stretching out my course for two years rather than one. The actual course load is four classes but I’d really struggle with that so I’m recognising my limitations and keeping to three for best mental health x
INSPIRING!! Truly magnificent words!
Thank you so much for reading! I hope you’re well. Sending lots of love and light your way! x
My pleasure. Your words make a difference in the lives of many. Keep your focus, and never ever give up! Thank you for the love ❤❤❤❤❤
That will always be the reason behind the work I do. It’s funny because your words are incredibly timely. I feel that many people question the purpose of bloggers, youtubers, content creators and those in the creative field in general. After all though, when we’re not on the job or studying, we’re at rest. Work and play are two major factors in life and there are occupations that adds value to both sectors.
It’s a great shame to have a passion, love for or talent in an area and not to share it with the world or put it to good use. We need those in the entertainment industry just as much we do those in essential jobs. We add value to life through what sparks joy, what informs, what gives us enjoyment when we’re feeling laidback and at ease. As a blogger, I get to share to my heart’s content and write about an array of topics. My interest in the interior design field, my experiences; the trials, tribulations, successes and milestones along the way, days in my life, my routines, my thoughts and opinions, what I wear, eat, travel to. There is a person out there willing to listen and ready to receive what I put out there. On some level, whether significant or subtle, I can make them feel heard, seen and represented, perhaps making it easier for them to share their own stories.
What do you do for hobbies, for work? x
Truthful and sincere words. You are incredible, elegant, classy, and POWERFUL! You will continue to change the world, one post at a time! I am very simple. Besides working, I usually counsel people dealing with various issues, sit on the beach most nights, or listen to classical music. I’m probably boring lol, but God made everyone special in their own way 😊😇😊