First Light, My Muse: 5/4/21

 

 

 

 

 

 

Last night I found myself on a nostalgia trip, recalling lyrics to songs that epitomised my childhood. Little wonders by Rob Thomas is what came to mind, the overarching message of our lives being made in these small hours through twists and turns of fate resonating more than ever. This week I’ve struggled to find balance and prioritise rest between increasing family demands, my personal relationships, the college workload and the mundane essential tasks that need revisiting each day. At times I’ve felt like a mere shadow of myself, pulled in countless directions and therefore unable to give wholeheartedly as I wish to. My periods of downtime lately have been characterised by anything but active rest. My mindset has shifted and I feel as if I need to optimise each and every hour in a productive manner. I’ve begun gently reminding myself that a break is not in fact time spent eating, cleaning, sleeping or driving back and forth in the car.

In that spirit, over the Easter long weekend, I’ve been sectioning off my day to allow for slow mornings and afternoons. I’ll read a book when I wake up or indulge in a lie in. I finally got around to picking up the delicious slice of carrot cake I’d been eyeing off. There’s a bakery cafe in my local area that has the most darling selection of treats. Their servings are generous too. Perfect for sharing between two during a coffee date. Another bit of good news is that my favourite movie, The Little Prince, has been adapted for theatres and is playing in the Opera House. I’d expected the tickets to be way out of an ideal price range but they were surprisingly affordable. My mum and I are going to make a girls night out of it. Have a nice dinner in the city and then watch the play. Finally, all the flowers have bloomed in the garden. They cover every bush. I see them every morning when I open the curtains. It never fails to put a smile on my face.

This week I spent an extra couple of days at the apartment in Parramatta with my mum and brother. We went to Bicentennial Park in the city and hired a family bike. It was so lush and green. I can honestly say that the teamwork involved in circling around twice was next level. The passionfruit ice blocks and chips we shared afterwards were well deserved. Circling around the park twice was a major feat, especially because it was sunny, crowded with people and an activity out of our fitness level. Nonetheless, I’ve been working tirelessly to improve my health and wanted to push myself the extra mile. I was told at a decent doctor’s appointment that I’m basically in the pre diabetic range and need to make some lifestyle changes or expect worse in coming months.

It was a big wake up call and quite confronting to know that I’d not taken care of myself as I should have. If I’m honest, over the past year, I’ve had bouts of depression that have gotten in the way. At times I’d forgotten to cater to my needs, lost the will to. While I wish I’d been more attuned earlier to how I was feeling, I know I couldn’t have nipped it in the bud because I didn’t understand what was happening to me. In the seasons of my life, depression has looked different. It’s manifested in numbness, oversleeping, disassociation, a lack of motivation or willingness to go about the day. However, it’s also found in toxic productivity, in working without breaks, in being emotionally closed, in putting my head down and pushing through when I needed an ear.

As I’m a night owl, my evenings have looked busier. Today I slipped into bed at the late hour of eight in the morning and managed four hours of shut eye. I’d turned in a major work for my design drawing class that required hardcore focus. By the time I’d completed my sets of drawings I could identify a good few mistakes but knew I’d be better off not puzzling over how to fix them. I certainly didn’t have fresh eyes at that point and knew the covers were calling me. To break down the assignment, we were required to construct and mark up a floor plan of our room and then elevate all four walls to form different views.

My room is quite busy in that I have large windows, french doors and a wardrobe that spans the length of the wall. Finally, we moved onto three dimensional construction. This section had me overwhelmed as I wasn’t sure how to translate real life measurements to fit within a certain scale. I’ve never been a particularly logical or mathematical thinker. I definitely underestimated how technical my career of choice is.

Tomorrow I have a presentation to make for my product knowledge class. We have to speak for two minutes, using that time to justify the design choices we made in our apartment decoration scheme. We’ll present a mood board with our finished textile and wall selections and give a suggested floor plan layout. I’m a little nervous as I’m ill confident with speeches but I’ll have a PowerPoint to refer to. Worst case scenario, I’ll read my slide word for word. I’m planning to bring some palm cards with a more succinct summation of my overall reasoning.

Yesterday my grandma and I went to a little neighbouring suburb, Leura. It’s a sleepy old heritage town but has so much charm. We were surprised to find that it was flooded with tourists at the time. That foiled our plans to have lunch at a local restaurant but we’ve rescheduled for next weekend instead. They have both an indoor and outdoor setting but the former is more intimate and cosy. Leura is home to a few of my favourite stores, one being Papinelle, a sleepwear boutique, and the other Bed Bath and Table, a homewares and decor shop. Both had mid season sales underway and I was able to pick up some incredible bargains.

I got a floaty nightgown in a dainty floral watercolour pattern and chiffon pants in this deep cornflour blue hue. From Bed Bath and Table I found the cutest wooden baskets. They have a striped neutral lining with tiny bows on the outside. I managed to find two in a large size, one in a medium and a set of three in small. I took them home and organised my closet to be more cohesive. It looks pretty dreamy if I do say so myself. The larger baskets house my Teen Breathe and Frankie magazines while the smaller three hold my purses and bags. A perfect fit!

As always, I’d like to leave you with excerpts from Morgan Harper Nichols Storyteller series. This week’s focus is on making room for what matters most. I hope her words speak to your heart as much as they continue to do mine xx

Sometimes, seeking joy can feel like a chore. Even if we want more joyful encounters in life, the uncertainty of life can drain us of our energy. Even in seasons where we feel like we should be celebrating and delighting in the beauty of little things, all we want instead is to get on the other side of sorrow or what remains unknown. 

Whether you live in a place where the sun is shining and flowers are blooming or you’re just feeling the pressure to enter this new month with a joy that seems to be lacking, remember this: while we may care about what joy looks like in everyday life, joy will still find us all the same. I like to call this the indiscriminate nature of joy. 

Many of us have known far too many environments that are heavy with discrimination. And whether the discrimination is subtle or direct, we receive messages that tell us we don’t belong unless we look or behave in a certain way. The more you have experienced discrimination, the harder it can be to accept what is truly indiscriminate. Is it true, that joy can find me when I look this way? In this skin, in this body that I’m in? When my life is riddled with chaos? The answer is yes, has always been yes and will always be an affirmative yes.

There is no monopoly on joy. It’s not reserved for those with money, status or privilege. Joy is a force found in music, laughter and rays of sunlight on ordinary days. Joy is the dance among fireflies under the moon and the running start to the long day ahead. May today be the day you embrace the indiscriminate nature of joy so you can discover that it is available to you in the same way it’s available to everyone around you.

I do not have the answers but I do know this: you are not alone. I do know that Light is still shining on you and I will do my very best to be present too. I know you’ve had to wait longer than you expected and you struggle to talk about it because you don’t want to seem ungrateful. I just hope you know that there is nothing wrong with needing peace, harmony and space.

Even though I cannot tell you how much longer you will have to wait to finally reach a resolution that makes you feel okay, I can tell you that you are free to come resting in boundless grace that says it’s okay to not have all the answers and still look for joy instead. What a beautiful thing it is to notice how the flowers grow in the still and quiet moments of life. Even when we are rushing by, busy, not having enough time to notice her growth, she still springs up. She still blooms from right there, in her pot, by the window. She is enough.

This new space can be overwhelming. There are many unknowns here. There is loss, suffering, struggle. So let us, as long as we are here, remind one another that it’s okay to not have all the answers. It’s okay to be here, in this new space, knowing every moment, though unknown, is wrapped in grace. And maybe in grace we will find room for dried flowers to have their place and for new ones to bloom.

May this be the season you say goodbye to doubting yourself, choosing to believe you are worthy of being believed in, no matter the ones who failed to see it. Their words and their actions are not a reflection of you or your innate worth. You are free to start over. You are free to begin again. No matter the times you were made to feel that you were not good or worthy enough to make it.

Whatever the feelings, thoughts or opinions are that have left you feeling stuck, it is time to identify them. Call them out by name. Say it out loud: I am not inadequate. I am not the wrong size. I am not too young to be wise. I am not too old to have value. I am not too broken to know love. I am not ugly.
I am not incompetent. I am not the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I am not the worst thing that was ever said to me. I am not my past.

Keep reminding yourself of who you are as well as who you are not. Keep reminding yourself that the lies you used to believe do not get the privilege to tell how your story ends. Keep reminding yourself of the Light-woven truth that runs through the wild of your deepest fears, reminding you that you are not alone out here.

Sometimes letting go is the sound of ocean waves collapsing on the shore on the other side of a bay window but, perhaps, most of the time, it is the beautiful reality that somehow you are still breathing, amidst all that is unknown.

Some nights, you go to sleep having finally said what you meant to say, feeling a little more confident in your decisions than you did yesterday and other nights the unspoken words just don’t seem to go away. And now you’re wrestling unnamed feelings dancing on the ceiling.

Sometimes you realise that you are free to be at peace without knowing everything. You realise that you are free to believe the things you missed out on 
will not keep you from unfolding into your bloom.

As long as you are breathing there are days before you and they will arrive when they are meant to arrive. But, for now, you have this moment to trust that there is value in simply being alive.

There will be days to make big decisions and there will be moments to sit and think it all through  and there will also be nights where you just need to sleep and allow much needed rest to find you.

You have needs that need to be met and feelings you can’t even articulate yet as much as you need
water, food and sleep. It is no small thing to be grateful for the simplest things for this too is a pursuit of peace.

I cannot tell you that the journey will be easy but I can tell you it is worth it to keep going. I can tell you that any movement forward is still moving forward and one day you will look back in awe at the beautiful reality that after everything, by grace, you carved your way through the most rugged mountains.

It might not look that way now and you may still have your doubts, but, I promise, you are where you need to be. You are where you need to be. And no matter what you have seen, it is worth it to keep traveling.